The Wonderful Cross

Resolutions

2006-12-31T20:13:00.000+08:00

You know how some people invariably work better under tight deadlines? Yeah, I'm not one of those. Yet I find myself inexplicably stuck in said situation time and again. Just thought to post a written reminder to myself to not get into such fixes.

Have a very blessed 2007! :)

Materialism II

2006-12-27T23:26:00.000+08:00

I have nothing against the material world. I have nothing against consumerism as a social structure. Certainly we are consumers with physical bodies, but if that's all we are we've lost what it means to be human. When success is equated with excess the ambition for excess wrecks us.

-- "Jon of Switchfoot Digs Deep into Oh! Gravity" by Jon Foreman, CMSpin

Thank You

2006-12-25T21:05:00.000+08:00

And I thank You Lord
For the trials that come my way
In that way I can grow each day
As I let You lead
And I thank You Lord
For the patience those trials bring
In that process of growing
I can learn to care

But it goes against the way I am
To put my human nature down
And let the Spirit take control of all I do
For when those trials come
My human nature shouts the things to do
And God's soft prompting
Can be easily ignored

But I thank You Lord
With each trial I feel inside
That You're there to help lead and guide
Me away from wrong
For You promised, Lord
That with every testing
That Your way of escaping's
Easier to bear

Yes, I thank You Lord
For the victory that growing brings
In surrender of everything
Life is so worthwhile
And I thank You Lord
That when everything's put in place
Out in front I can see Your face
And it's there You belong

-- "Thank You Lord" by Dan Burgess

I haven't heard this song in ages, and I can't seem to find it anywhere. I can't even seem to find which album this is on. But it's a reminder that I need so much this Christmas.

Materialism

2006-12-11T21:06:00.000+08:00

... [We] strive to participate in God's kingdom while also straining to play by the values of a fallen kingdom. I submit to you that many of us live a hybrid approach to discipleship and wealth. We desire to be successful in two kingdoms, and often the results are either disastrous, or a slow grinding death of our spiritual vitality...

[...]

Jesus never speaks of possessions per se as evil, nor does he glorify poverty. However, he does reveal the potential danger in material possessions - particularly how they lead us down the path of idolatry. Our material possessions seductively draw us away from total allegiance to Christ. Herein lies the crux of our dilemma; for one of the greatest threats to faithful discipleship are our own material belongings. Jesus fundamentally understands our fallen human nature and declares what we intuitively know, that where our treasure is, there our heart also resides (Lk 12:34).

[...]

... [It] is not my intention to single out, or demote Christians with financial means; but rather, I have challenged all Christians (myself included) to consider their discipleship and how their personal financial goals, integrate with their pursuit of Christ. To be sure, Christians of all income levels wrestle with how to negotiate their financial reality with their discipleship. I have witnessed missionaries, with very little income, caught in the same web of materialism as that of wealthier Christians owning multiple homes. The numbers may be different but the deceptions and tensions the same.

-- "Lord, Won't You Buy Me a Mercedes Benz" by Günther Mueller, Vantage Point (links mine)

Commitment

2006-12-04T19:47:00.000+08:00

There are times where, even as I am constantly espousing the value of commitment, I can't help but wonder if I know anything about it at all. It scares me to think that I am vulnerable to turning my back on all the things that I hold most dear, but the more I dwell on it, the more my terrible track record comes back to haunt me.

I picked up the piano for a couple of years when I was younger, but gave that up. I used to sprint and play rugby competitively, but that didn't last long either. At different points in time, I went for Japanese, Russian, and Indonesian lessons; as a result, I know a smattering of each, but not enough of any one to have a real conversation.

Perhaps more worrying is the peaks and troughs that I go through in my relationship with God; if I can adopt such a lukewarm attitude to the Lover of my soul, how can I hope to have any kind of lasting relationship with anyone else? It's something that I will probably need time to sort out -- rather, let God sort it out in me. Because as tempting as romance is, I don't want anything that is based on a novelty that will wear itself out.

Work

2006-11-13T22:59:00.000+08:00

Off to Amsterdam and Zurich on business for a bit. I'm just staring at the schedule and meeting/training agendas and feeling a bit woozy.

***

It's been crazy hectic at work. I think I took things to a whole different level last Friday when I held my pee in the entire afternoon from after lunch right up till the end of the work day simply because I had no time to go to the toilet. But it's been great. My head is about to explode, but it's been great, I don't know why.

It defies logic, but that's how God surprises us sometimes. :)

Kazakhstan #861

2006-11-07T23:33:00.000+08:00

What will I tell people, post-Borat, when they ask me where my daughter is from? I will proudly say she is from Kazakhstan. It is niiiiice. Big country, people good. People big enough to laugh at themselves. I like. You like?

-- "The Real Kazakhstan" by Eric Weiner, Slate

Beauty tips

2006-11-07T23:17:00.000+08:00

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone.

-- Sam Levenson

Between a rock and a hard place

2006-10-29T23:21:00.000+08:00

One Sunday at church I received a small coaster that read "What you are is God's gift to you. What you make of yourself is your gift to God." I decided early on that my gift to God would be to please my parents. I idealized and idolized them.

To please my father, I studied hard and always got good grades. To please my mother I became the family diplomat -- always intervening in every family argument, listening to every side, empathizing with everyone and trying to find a way to bridge the gaps. To please them both, I was obedient, diligent, cheerful and reliable. There were many times when I felt as though no matter what I did, it simply wasn't quite as much as they expected. To my siblings I was probably an insufferable goody two-shoes most of the time.

[...]

I came home one weekend to visit. I was in turmoil. As dramatic as it sounds, it really is the case that I had an epiphany while taking a shower on Sunday morning. My body had been trying to tell me something with all those months of headaches... At twenty-two, at that moment, it finally dawned on me that my life couldn't be about pleasing my parents... My life was my own... My headache disappeared. I got out of the shower and prepared to disappoint my parents.

-- "Tough Choices" by Carly Fiorina

Carly Fiorina's book is hardly spiritual (or it wasn't meant to be, I think), but those few paragraphs hit me hard. With the exception of that last sentence, it could all have very well been written by me. Yes -- even as I'm struggling to come to terms with what this means, I'm not ready to disappoint my parents yet.

It's difficult enough having to walk that tightrope between wanting to expect the best of others and placing unrealistic expectations on them -- it's harder when those people are your parents. Or my parents, specifically.

Their commitment to the family has been so steadfast, that I always thought -- no matter how much disappointment I faced in the world, they would be the two people whom I could count on to do the right thing. But the right thing is often also excruciatingly difficult to do, and for me to hold these cracks against them is nothing but selfishness on my part; it doesn't diminish their love for me, and it doesn't mean that they care any less. They're entitled to their fair share of insecurity and doubt.

I'm still struggling, but I'm coming to terms with the fact that they are human too. They're not perfect, but neither am I. What I am still learning from them, however, is acceptance -- something that they've freely given to me the moment they laid eyes on me; something that I have not learnt to return.

It scares me that I may one day have to disappoint them, and I hope that if and when I do, they will know how difficult a decision it was for me to make, and that I never meant to hurt them. I know that in recent times, my parents have feared losing their children -- to geography, to marriage, to ministry -- but I also hope they realise that they only way that they can cling on to us is if we all cling on to God. And if I am made to choose between my parents' way and God's way, I hope that I will have the courage to obey the Higher Calling, and that they will eventually understand why I had to break their hearts.

More than this

2006-10-24T18:36:00.000+08:00

With the luxury of having a long weekend, and being somewhat inspired by Project 365, here's a picture for each day of the past week. :)

Taken Tuesday, October 17, 2006 at 11:08 AM -- This is my current object of obsessive consumption at work. It's fruit-flavoured tea (or "Flavoury Tea" as the label says), and it comes in five delectable fruity goodness. My favourite is the grapefruit and orange one -- I love the citrusy aroma! :)

Taken Wednesday, October 18, 2006 at 10:15 AM -- Another one taken at work; I promise I'm working the rest of the time! This is the chair that I have tucked under my table, and that I pull out for my guests, when they do come around. Doesn't look too welcoming, I know, but it's the one I was given, and it's probably just as well since the only people who pop in are my bosses. ;)

Taken Thursday, October 19, 2006 at 9:34 PM -- That's me booking my tickets for Corrinne May's Christmas concert at The Esplanade in December. (Thanks, Jeff!)

Taken Friday, October 20, 2006 at 7:04 PM -- At the new Vivocity. Met a former classmate for dinner, and ran into another. It's crazy-crowded there, and we ended up going to Harbourfront to eat. I didn't do much shopping, mostly because pay day isn't until next week! ;)

Taken Saturday, October 21, 2006 at 12:58 PM -- Went to the airport to have brunch with Zijuan, who was back from a business trip. Peacocks made of orchids; very pretty.

Taken Sunday, October 22, 2006 at 2:20 PM -- At Ngee Ann City for lunch with Xinying after church. I am pretty intolerant of inconsistencies, so I was just wondering: why is it English Breakfast Tea and English Afternoon Tea? Are we naming the teas after the time of day, or the meal?

Taken Monday, October 23, 2006 at 4:01 PM -- Finally, this is Amy, hiding (as usual) from the rain that came in the late afternoon. The rain should be good for the haze, but I suspect Amy prefers the haze anytime! ;)

***

... And a song for all times (but which has been playing in my head and heart these few days). :)

There must be more than this
O, breath of God, come breathe within
There must be more than this
Spirit of God, we wait for You
Fill us anew, we pray

Consuming fire, fan into flame
A passion for Your name
Spirit of God, fall in this place
Lord, have Your way with us

-- From "There Must be More Than This (Consuming Fire)" by Tim Hughes

Kazakhstan

2006-10-23T13:53:00.000+08:00

Kazakhstan. Every time I told someone I was going to Kazakhstan, I couldn't help feeling a sense of disappointment on the receiving end. Here was someone who had the chance to go abroad for the summer, and rather than parading around Paris, lounging around Lazio, or even taking in the sights in Tokyo, I was going to a place that no one had ever heard of, much less could spell.

Friends would sometimes ask me if I was ready for my trip to Kyrgyzstan. Kazakhstan, I had to correct them. I myself had barely a clearer picture of what to expect upon arrival.

[...]

Being one of the few places in the world left without a single McDonald's, Starbucks or Pizza Hut, Uralsk still has some of that wild, untouched feeling that is so distinctly lacking in most of Europe. I left Uralsk and Kazakhstan somewhat wistfully, knowing that I was leaving a place that I would probably never return to, merely by virtue of how hard (and expensive) it is to get to.

It was a place that was transformed for me in my mind: from a big blank space on the map to a colorful, friendly place that was both exotic and familiar at the same time. And perhaps the most interesting moments were with the people of Kazakhstan, who couldn't really wrap their minds around the idea that I wouldn't want to stay in Kazakhstan permanently, since, to them, it really was the best place on Earth to live.

-- "Kazakhstan: Isolation and Fascination" by Ula Lukszo, The Frederick News-Post

Answering the cry

2006-10-16T19:59:00.000+08:00

I feel like one of those villagers, who always answers to The Boy, despite my better judgment. But even though I've been lied to over and over again, I can't imagine myself ever ignoring the cry, because I cannot bear the thought of the day that I do, and that wolf really appears.

Nebuchadnezzar, eat my dust

2006-10-14T00:32:00.000+08:00

Couldn't help but chuckle at the name of the new highway that they are planning to build that will link Europe to China: Europe-Saint-Petersburg-Moscow-Kazan-Orenburg-Kyzylorda-Shymkent-Khorgos. It's a mouthful, even if it's just a provisional name!

Free hugs

2006-10-09T20:57:00.000+08:00

I typically don't post videos on my blogs because I'm allergic to clutter, but I came across this and it made me cry.

I don't have much time to do my homework on this, but the first thought that came to my mind in those first few seconds was that that is exactly what Jesus is doing, except that it isn't Free Hugs He's giving, but Free Love -- and except that it isn't Free, but given freely at a huge price.

That's what we do: we snub Him, we ban Him from being in some places; we're so suspicious that there are no strings attached to begin with, because just why would anyone do that? And you know what, I don't blame them, because I'm still asking myself that question every single day. But that utter joy when just one person reciprocates -- He loves us that much. It truly boggles my mind.

And the song. I'm probably reading it all wrong (because what kind of a band calls themselves Sick Puppies, hurhur), but God does have His way of speaking to us, eh? :)

***

Go ahead, tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take Me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same

Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
And in between it always seems too long

-- From "All The Same" by Sick Puppies

Still this road

2006-10-07T02:48:00.000+08:00

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

-- Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

It's funny that in the past two weeks, I've been so busy that I've hardly had the time to breathe, yet the moment I log in to Blogger, I have to take out my organiser to remind myself of what has transpired between then and now, as if wanting to somehow validate my existence.

***

Growing up, that was always my problem; it didn't help that the world was constantly telling me that I had to be a certain weight or do these things, dress this way or behave that way, to be accepted, to be loved. It took a long time, and a lot of work -- on God's part, in my heart -- for me to finally be in a place where I actually believe (most of the time) that I can be loved, first and foremost by God, and then by others -- that someone could actually see in me things that I never even knew were there, and think that I am beautiful because of them. (When I think of the way that God has had to send the right person/people at the right time into my path to practically scream that out at me for only the umpteenth time, it makes me laugh and cry.)

But I crossed one bridge only to come to another, and lately it just seems that my insecurity didn't disappear, it merely took on a different form; if the deception before was that I was loved conditionally, it is now that my future is uncertain. I watch lives and marriages fall apart, and some days, the fear that mine will meet with the same end is crippling. It's not a new problem, I know that; for as long as I choose to fear what my eyes see over trusting what God has promised me, I will always have a long way to go. But it is a journey that I want to take, a journey that in many ways I hope never to end.

***

It's a long, long journey
Till I know where I'm supposed to be
It's a long, long journey
And I don't know if I can believe
When shadows fall and block my eyes
I am lost and know that I must hide
It's a long, long journey
Till I find my way home to You

Many days I've spent
Drifting on through empty shores
Wondering what's my purpose
Wondering how to make me strong

I know I will falter
I know I will cry
I know You'll be standing by my side
It's a long, long journey
And I need to be close to You

Sometimes it feels no one understands
I don't even know why
I do the things I do
When pride builds me up till I can't see my soul
Will You break down these walls and pull me through

'Cause it's a long, long journey
Till I feel that I am worth the price
You paid for me on Calvary
Beneath those stormy skies

When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes
It feels like everything is out to make me lose control
'Cause it's a long, long journey
Till I find my way home to You

-- "Journey" by Corrinne May

What makes us whole?

2006-09-30T00:18:00.000+08:00

What makes a man whole? Is it his ability to do all things with the skills that he was born with? Is it having a brain that overcomes all trauma and wills the future into existence? Is it having friends or companions who can stick with you through thick and thin?

-- "Darren's Story" by Ian Tan, Empty Vessel

I haven't had the time to blog, which naturally also means that I haven't had the time to read very many blogs, which also means that if I did happen to read something that would lead me to take the time that I do not have to post it here...

***

I was listening to a Beth Moore sermon the other day, and she was talking about how even though God, during Saul's reign, unequivocally told the Israelites that David ("a man after His own heart") would be king, it was to be many years and through a ridiculous amount of hardship on David's part before that happened; God is interested in the process as well as the progress, she said, using every step of the way to mould us into who He has designed us to be.

I need that. I need to always be reminded of that, and I am thankful that even though I foolishly fail to abide in the constant assurance of His love, He continues to drop me unmistakable memos, in shocking pink post-its. Or tear-jerking blog posts.

Ruth

2006-09-25T00:13:00.000+08:00

A refreshing perspective on Ruth's popularly bold "pursuit" of Boaz.

Not only was it Boaz who initiated their first conversation, but what he said was significant. He was caring for her by providing for her physical needs for food and water as well as protecting her from harm at other, less honorable, men's hands.

[...]

Then, in a public gesture of provision, Boaz included Ruth in the afternoon meal, offering her bread and wine vinegar. She was the only one among the gleaners — those in poverty and foreigners who were permitted to pick up what was left behind in the fields — who was part of the mealtime invitation.

When Ruth relayed the day's events to her mother-in-law, sharing with her leftover bread from the meal and an abundance of grain, Naomi immediately recognized the high character of Boaz and his potential as a husband for Ruth. "Where did you glean today? Where did you work? Blessed be the man who took notice of you!" she exclaimed.

Boaz was already husbanding Ruth, and Naomi recognized it... Naomi was not encouraging Ruth to "go after" Boaz in a modern-day type pursuit. She was guiding Ruth to respond to what Boaz had already initiated. By the time Naomi told Ruth about the kinsman-redeemer system and asked her to go to Boaz at the threshing floor, she had every reason to believe Boaz would respond positively. Naomi said with confidence, "He will not rest until the matter is settled." How could she know this? Because she had evidence of his character.

This is no small oversight. In order to "pull a Ruth," you have to be dealing with a Boaz.
-- "Ruth Revisited" by Candice Z. Watters, Boundless Webzine

Blogging

2006-09-04T21:54:00.000+08:00

On the internet, it's tough to manage word of mouth. It seems like we're bombarded now with viral advertisements, odd promotions, and strange product tie-ins. No one can look you in the face over the internet — which means that it's tough to establish trust, conversations can get angry a lot quicker, and civility is often in short supply. It's tough to prove to people who don't know you that you have something worthwhile to say. It's tougher still to reach strangers on a personal level, operating just through words on a computer screen, an ongoing virtual conversation.

And yet, somehow, it happens.

-- "Blogging: The History and the Spirit" by Ben Domenech, Boundless Webzine

Boundless has a focus on blogs this week; they've even started one of their own!

It's interesting, seeing that I've just put an end to one that I'd been writing regularly in, the reasons for which are partially explained in the Boundless articles. Maybe one day I'll explain this in greater detail -- one day when I'm not totally exhausted from work and in need of sleep. :)

Golly gee

2006-09-04T21:42:00.000+08:00

Yesterday afternoon, as we met for lunch, Jolene jumped up from her seat and clapped her hands in glee: "OH MY GOSH, I found Kazakhstan on the map the other day!"

Despite myself, I burst out laughing.

Um, yes, it exists. ;)

Thank God it's Footwear

2006-08-27T01:41:00.000+08:00

I think it's supposed to be some rite of passage for one to hate their first job and complain about it incessantly, but I just haven't had the opportunity to do either. It's actually been going well, and it's gotten exponentially better in the past week, especially in terms of relationships. Of course, with the month-end reports coming up in the next couple of weeks, I might eat my words, but in the meantime, I couldn't ask for more.

I woke up with a massive cramp in my left calf on Thursday morning though, and the nagging pain still persists. I blame this on the irresistibly pretty heelies that I wear to work. That's about it, and I think if all I have to complain about is footwear, then I know I have a lot to thank God for.

***

Perhaps what I love most about working is that I can really leave it all at the office at the end of the day -- no homework, no projects, no exams. And because of the location of my workplace, where we have to catch the company bus out promptly at 5:30 pm, there is practically no culture of overtime work, so I have enjoyed the after-work dinners and fellowship with friends and family, and the freedom at which to attend prayer meetings without worrying about undone work (which was admittedly a huge concern when I was schooling).

It's a nice habit that I've gotten into these past weeks, and one I hope to keep up. It's one thing to meet up as a group, and quite another to have intimate one-on-one conversations; well, some more intimate than others, but it's always a very different direction of communication over one in a group setting.

***

It's different, being back home. It's a different life -- in some ways easier, in other ways painfully more difficult.

Offering

2006-08-20T22:07:00.000+08:00

I've been trying to transpose my Kazakhstan journal to cyberspace, but I just couldn't find the time to do it before tonight. But even as I read through the little handwritten notes and entries, I can't seem to be able to weave the words around these stories to tell them the way they deserve to be told.

I can't remember where it starts and where it ends, but I remember that afternoon that we played ball with the village children -- we call it "Monkey," they call it "Potatoes" -- and as we turned to leave, two young girls ran up to us and gave us each a candy bar. I remember that in that moment, I came to a completely new understanding of the parable of the two copper coins; for the first time, I felt just a tiny bit of what God feels when we offer what little we have to Him -- and that was enough to utterly overwhelm me.

I turned to Meizhen, and I saw her eyes start to water as well.

"This moment makes the whole trip worthwhile, doesn't it?" I choked out. I couldn't stop smiling, and she nodded furiously, still unable to speak.

It was like that every single day that we were there; just when we thought it couldn't get any better, it always would, and the words just seem so inadequate, no matter how hard I try.

I know how silly it seems when I say that I struggle to get back into what has been my natural habitat for more than 23 years, but I do -- I am struggling. I don't know for sure yet the reason for this resistance, but I hope that when I eventually find out why, I will have the strength to obey and move wherever God leads.

***

All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before You, O Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaim
The joy and the pain, I'm making them Yours

Things in the past, things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my hopes, all of my plans
My heart and my hands are lifted to You

Lord, I offer my life to You
Everything I've been through
Use it for Your glory
Lord, I offer my days to You
Lifting my praise to You
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord, I offer You my life

What can we give that You have not given
What do we have that is not already Yours
All we possess are these lives we're living
And that's what we give to You, Lord

-- "I Offer My Life" by Claire Cloninger and Don Moen

Story of my life

2006-08-09T23:46:00.000+08:00

Perhaps it's because I don't fly that often at all, but the rare view from the top is truly quite a sight to behold. On both flights out -- from Singapore to Bangkok, then from Bangkok to Tashkent -- I was assigned window seats, and from the climbing skyscrapers, to the endless expense of green padi fields, and finally to the soft, glowing lights as we landed in Uzbekistan at midnight -- I was absolutely taken.

It made me wonder how it would've been, if I had been born at a different time, in a different place. Perhaps the only thing that I can be absolutely certain of is that I would still have been wholeheartedly pursued by God. Because He's told me that He would go to the ends of the earth to bring me to Himself -- He told me this when He sent His Son all the way from heaven; there is no where that I could go that would be too far for Him to find me.

Someone once said that no matter how far we run away from God, it only takes one step to go back to Him. That has been the story of my life.

***

I couldn't find the words then, but Deborah put it perfectly when she said how much sadness she felt in this place -- a sense that this was a region crying out for healing.

That first night, as I looked out of the plane's window onto the scattered lights, it looked like candles that were lit in mourning; abused and lost, and in need of love.

***

Meanwhile, it's been a new week for me, with a new job. I'm incredibly thankful that it has gone as well as it has.

After work on Monday, I met up with the team that went on the trip, and someone asked how Day One went; if I was nervous or scared, if I got any major jitters. The fact that I wasn't and didn't surprised even myself, but I suppose I've always been the one to look at the big picture -- after crossing the treacherous border of Central Asia and meandering through the crazy Kazakhstani traffic, I just couldn't imagine any worst case scenarios at work that would beat those.

I'm still getting a feel of things, but already feeling quite at home in my cubicle, which incidentally is quite a spacious one because I apparently inherited it from an assistant manager. How long do you wait before putting photos up? :)

A thousand reasons why I should give up

2006-08-05T13:57:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead
How long till my hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town
So many people on this merry-go-round

Some folks try astrology
Some turn to crystal balls
To find an answer
To get through it all
I just fall on my knees and I try to pray
In the silence I can hear Him say

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time

I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe

'Cause maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see
A little surprise, like your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see

-- "Everything in its Time" by Corrinne May

I'm not satisfied

2006-08-04T19:42:00.000+08:00

I say on Sunday how much I want revival
But then on Monday, I can't even find my Bible
Where's the power
The power of the cross in my life

I'm sick of playing the game of religion
I'm tired of losing my reason for living
Where's the power
The power of the cross in my life

I'm not content just to walk through my life, giving in
To the lies, walking in compromises now
We cry out as a generation that was lost
But now is found in the power of the cross

We believe in You
We believe in the power of Your Word that is true
We believe in You
So we lay down our cause
That our cross might be found in You

I'm not satisfied doing it my own way
I'm not satisfied to do church and walk away
I'm not satisfied there's no love in my life but You
I'm not satisfied living in yesterday's hour
I'm not satisfied to have the form but not the power
I'm not satisfied, Lord I am crucified in You

So we lay down our cause
That our cross might be found in You

-- "Believe" by Hillsong

Home

2006-08-03T01:26:00.000+08:00

I'm home.

***

Too many things have happened these past couple of weeks, and words are simply not enough to tell the stories. You had to be there.

I told my sister, when I visited her in Perth, that the one feeling I had the entire time I was there was the constant awareness that I was an outsider. So the most surprising thing I felt when we landed was that of being at home.

Perth is in many ways similar to Singapore -- the big city, the labyrinth of well-paved roads -- but in the unfamiliar culture, living conditions, and language, I felt -- for the first time in my life -- more home than home. To literally reach out the window for grapes, apples, pears, apricots; to lie beneath the blanket of twinkling stars -- it was an indescribable comfort. Which is not to say it was a walk in the park at all; we worked hard the entire time we were there, and hardly had any time off.

If you know me, you'll know that I'm not a morning person at all. I typically don't have breakfast, because by the time I manage to wake up, I'm already late for school or whichever appointment I have planned. Perhaps a huge testament to the kind of joy that I felt there was that I sprung out of bed every single morning before my alarm clock rang -- just too happy to wake up and start a new day.

***

I didn't want to leave, and while part of it has to do with what I've mentioned -- how much I loved the place -- it has more to do with the people that I fell in love with and gave my heart to.

To build relationships with the teenagers in the homes, and the patients in the drug rehab centres, and then to leave them so quickly -- it's too cruel, and it breaks my heart. I don't know if I can do this short-term missions thing, and I don't want to scare my parents, but the only way I can continue this wonderful thing that God has shown me, is to devote my whole life to it.

It's something that I'm still praying about.

***

Before we left Kazakhstan on Sunday afternoon, we said our goodbyes and gave each other farewell hugs and handshakes. It's the first time I've been in a group where I've been the youngest, and I've been unspeakably blessed, encouraged, and inspired, by the people I've met and worked with on this trip. I had so much on my mind then -- too much to think about -- that I didn't even have time to take in the finality of leaving. I took one last look at the green gate that housed my new home, took a deep breath, and got into the taxi.

It was only after we had crossed the treacherous border, and finally moved into Uzbekistan, with Kazakhstan behind us, that the magnitude of what the last two weeks had done for me finally hit -- and the tears started to flow.

***

I'm home.

I'm home, but why does it feel like I've left Home behind?

Unemployed no more!

2006-07-18T18:10:00.000+08:00

Even if I tried, I couldn't tell you what I did differently in the past week that I didn't in the quiet months preceding that, but of the three interviews that I had last week, I received a hundred percent in job offers. The timing couldn't have been more telling -- a week before my missions trip to Kazakhstan -- and the truth is that the thought of bailing out had entered my mind more than once; what if I missed out on an interview or job opportunity? But just as He has done so many times before, I received the same gentle rap every single time: Do you trust Me to take care of you?

With that, there was never going to be any turning back, and I was prepared to give things up for the trip. But each time I think I know what I'm doing, God turns it around and shows me what He is doing.

I thought I was going to miss out on a second-round interview, but the interviewer was willing to conduct it over the phone, even though he was overseas. They received around 300 applications for this position; he certainly didn't have to bend over backwards for me. With another interview, they told me in the first round that it didn't look good, because of their constant dealings with the Middle East, and their clients' unwillingness to deal with women; I certainly didn't expect to be called up again. Finally, the last position was for a telecommunications company, something entirely out of my field, but -- you know the story from here. It's God's favour and nothing else; it's Him telling me over and over again to seek Him first, and trust Him, because He knows what's best for me, and He -- of all People -- has the power to give me my heart's desires despite the seeming impossibilities. It is this unchanging faithfulness, even in spite of my constant doubt, that always drives me to my knees in awe and joy.

The job-hunting experience has been a real test of patience, and a test of faith, but I learned so much in the process, about what I want, and what I need.

The decision, after prayer and counsel, was an easy one. With that, I start work a week after I get back from Central Asia. :) Thank you all for your prayers and advice, and I'll see you in two weeks!

***

There’ve been dreams I forgot and dreams I let die
Unnoticed sunsets in front of my eyes
I just couldn’t see them
I thought I didn’t need them

There’ve been chances to love that I’ve ignored
Mercies I’ve found I couldn’t before
I’m sure I would’ve shown them
If I would’ve known then

How we all play a part in each other’s lives
And there’s more to the game than winning the prize
So much I wanna try now
I feel like I could fly now

Father, You father me
Ever so patiently
You give me wings to fly
When You set me free
To fly, to soar to places I’ve not been before
The boundaries of humanity
Cannot contain what You set free

You set me free to run
Through fields of laughter
And to sing as though I have no yesterdays
You set me free from my befores and afters
From a debt I know I’ll never pay
When You set me free

-- From "You Set Me Free" by Sandi Patty

(Download 04 You Set Me Free.mp3, 8.53 MB, 06:03, via YouSendIt.com, link ~~expires in 7 days~~ expired, available upon request)

***

As I was typing this post, the telecoms company came back with a better offer, but it was never about the money, really. :)

Running the good race

2006-05-26T23:14:00.000+08:00

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."

-- 2 Timothy 4:7 (NKJV)

It's not how you start the race that matters, but how you end it. That has been a resounding reminder for me this week. We received our final academic results, and many of you will know that I've been struggling with my studies for the most part of these past four years. So for me, to jump a class in this final sem -- it almost drove me to tears. Thank you, God.

It isn't the race that Timothy was talking about, of course, but it provided me with an overwhelmingly personal analogy, especially in the midst of this leadership course that we're attending at church, and just everything in general; even in the most trying times, it's worth reminding ourselves that it is difficult precisely because we're still running the race -- it isn't the end yet.

Six years

2006-05-23T02:31:00.000+08:00

In the morning when I rise
In the morning when I rise
In the morning when I rise
Give me Jesus

Give me Jesus
Give me Jesus
You can have all this world
But give me Jesus

When I am alone
When I am alone
When I am alone
Give me Jesus

Give me Jesus
Give me Jesus
You can have all this world
But give me Jesus

When I come to die
When I come to die
When I come to die
Give me Jesus

Give me Jesus
Give me Jesus
You can have all this world
You can have all this world
You can have all this world
But give me Jesus

-- "Give Me Jesus" by Fernando Ortega

(Download 11 Give Me Jesus.m4a, 4.00 MB, 04:11, via YouSentIt.com, link ~~expires in 7 days~~ expired, available upon request)

***

I heard this for the first time at church on Sunday, and despite the simplicity of the refrain, it drove me to tears -- because sometimes, it really is that simple.

Six years ago, on this day, Grandma finally found Rest. So today, that last verse means a lot more. I think if any song could sum up Grandma's heart, it would be this. Even in those last months, when she spent most of her time on the bed, I would hear her praying for us every morning before I left for school, every afternoon when I came home for lunch, and every evening before she went to sleep -- by name, each one of her children and grandchildren -- and I have no doubt that this is the reason why we have been so very blessed.

Thank you, Grandma. We love you.

When love takes you in

2006-05-12T02:50:00.000+08:00

If you've been reading my blogs, or if you've known me for at least a year, you'll probably know that -- of all my dreams and ideals -- adoption has constantly been on my mind and in my heart. I always thought that Steven Curtis Chapman was the one who planted that seed, but as I heard him sing last night, I realised for the first time (rather belatedly, I know) that all of those feelings: of wanting to give someone a home, of knowing someone before you've even met them, of loving them so much that you want to give them more -- more than just money, more than just the food that they eat, the clothes that they wear -- that is just a glimpse of God's heart. You want to give them your life.

I've always talked about it, but just the thought of it is so overwhelming, that I've always stopped short of making a commitment. Last night, I decided that it's time to make it count; I don't want to keep hiding from God, from the One Person that I can be completely vulnerable with. I want to do this; if I do get married, if I have a home to give to someone, I will adopt, and I am writing this down, so that you can hold me to it. (This doesn't mean that I don't want to give birth -- God-willing, I'll probably want that too.)

I realise that making such a huge commitment seems like a sure-fire way to drive the guys -- even the best of them -- away (hur), but this is it: this is what God has called me to, this is why He has poured out His love so abundantly on me -- not for me to keep it in, but for it to overflow. :)

***

For now, though, I'm taking baby steps.

Last Christmas, when my sister was home for the holidays, she asked about adopting another dog. It would make our Christmas perfect, she'd said. That probably would've been true, but it was too soon, and each time she brought it up, I fought hard to keep the tears from gushing, but each time, I would end up locked in my room, crying and missing him. I couldn't imagine having any other dog in the house; I couldn't imagine ever loving any other dog.

In the past month, I'd been looking -- just browsing -- at photos of the dogs in local shelters. Occasionally, the tears would fall, but they were starting to fall for a different reason. For the rest of my life, I will continue to miss the companionship of Rocky -- there's no question -- but we'd given him a good home, and this time, tears were beginning to form from the heartache of knowing that there were dogs who wouldn't know the comfort and joy of having family.

Last week, we finally talked about the possibility of adopting another dog. My brother wanted a golden retriever, my aunt wanted a chihuahua, my mom wanted a puppy-anything, my dad was pretty easy; me? I wanted the one that no one else wanted -- the one that no one would find cute, the one that was too old, too slow... I wanted that one, because more than anyone else, he (or she) needed me most.

You can see why a compromise would've been difficult -- even impossible! I suggested we needn't limit ourselves to one dog; why not get them all? But Mom's face started to turn pale at the thought, so that went to the dumps. ;)

On Monday, I came across Jin's blog via Jean. She was looking to re-home her five-year-old beagle, Amy. I tried to tear myself away from the blog, but there was this wonderful nagging thought at the back of my head: that she was perfect -- not too big, not too small, not too young, not too old, not too fast, not too slow. I contacted Jin, and we exchanged a flurry of long e-mails -- I took an hour to type one of them! But as I was answering Jin's queries -- about the kind of house we lived in, whether anyone would be home with Amy during the day, etc. -- I felt my heart strangely stirred, and by the end of the e-mail, instead of trying to convince Jin that we would be the best owner for Amy, I'd typed a long paragraph on how they should keep her instead, and if they needed someone to walk her, or to keep her company for a few hours a day, I could do it, and they wouldn't need to pay me a single cent. I don't know where that came from, but it felt right.

I met Amy (together with Jin and her lovely family) for the first time tonight, and as she pressed her cold, wet nose against mine, I realised that we really do underestimate our capacity for love, and I felt like a complete fool for ever thinking that I would not be able to love another. Love is not a zero-sum game.

I don't know how this will work out. I do hope -- if there is any way at all -- that Jin will be able to find some arrangement that would work, without her having to part with Amy, because I know that they would both be heartbroken. Perhaps we will take her in; I'll bring my family to see her over the weekend. If we don't -- if either Jin or my family decides otherwise -- we'll probably keep looking to take in someone who needs a home. I don't know how this will work out, but I know something good will happen. :)

***

I know you've heard the stories
But they all sound too good to be true
You've heard about a place called home
But there doesn't seem to be one for you
So one more night you cry yourself to sleep
And drift off to a distant dream

Where love takes you in and everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in

And somewhere while you're sleeping
Someone else is dreaming too
Counting down the days until
They hold you close and say I love you
And like the rain that falls into the sea
In a moment what has been is lost in what will be

When love takes you in everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
And this love will never let you go
There is nothing that could ever cause this love to lose its hold

-- "When Love Takes You In" by Steven Curtis Chapman

Rethinking Jesus

2006-04-24T00:23:00.000+08:00

Jesus Christ, I think upon Your sacrifice
You became nothing, poured out to death
Many times I've wondered at Your gift of life
And I'm in that place once again

And once again I look upon the cross where You died
I'm humbled by Your mercy and I'm broken inside
Once again I thank You
Once again I pour out my life

Now You are exalted to the highest place
King of the heavens, where one day I'll bow
But for now I marvel at Your saving grace
And I'm full of praise once again

-- "Once Again" by Matt Redman

The reality of spirituality

2006-04-09T17:40:00.000+08:00

There are many ideas within Christian spirituality that contradict the facts of reality as I understand them. A statement like this offends some Christians because they believe if aspects of their faith do not obey the facts of reality, they are not true. But I think there are all sorts of things our hearts believe that don't make any sense to our heads. Love, for instance; we believe in love. Beauty. Jesus as God.

It comforts me to think that if we are created beings, the thing that created us would have to be greater than us, so much greater, in fact, that we would not be able to understand it. It would have to be greater than the facts of our reality, and so it would seem to us, looking out from within our reality, that it would contradict reason. But reason itself would suggest it would have to be greater than reality, or it would not be reasonable.

When we worship God we worship a Being our life experience does not give us the tools with which to understand... Eternity, for example, is not something the human mind can understand. We may be able to wrap our heads around living forever (and we can do this only because none of us has experienced death), but can we understand what it means to have never been born? I only say this to illustrate that we, as Christians, believe things we cannot explain. And so does everyone else.

[...]

[W]hen we reduce Christian spirituality to math we defile the Holy... Many of our attempts to understand Christian faith have only cheapened it. I can no more understand the totality of God than the pancake I made for breakfast understands the complexity of me. The little we do understand, that grain of sand our minds are capable of grasping, those ideas such as God is good, God feels, God loves, God knows all, are enough to keep our hearts dwelling on His majesty and otherness forever.

-- Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller

Waiting

2006-03-06T21:53:00.000+08:00

Sometimes the hardest part is in the waiting, even if it is part of God's plan. Waiting when everyone else is hurrying you, waiting when you're itching to take things into your own hands. Waiting, waiting, waiting, just because He says so -- because He still has a plan; because He's had that plan since the beginning of time.

"O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago." -- Isaiah 25:1 (NIV)

Learning to risk it all

2006-03-06T01:43:00.000+08:00

I don't know how to say exactly how I feel
And I can't begin to tell you what Your love has meant
I'm lost for words

Is there a way to show the passion in my heart
Can I express how truly great I think You are
My dearest friend

Lord, this is my desire
To pour my love on You

Like oil upon Your feet
Like wine for You to drink
Like water from my heart
I'll pour my love on You

If praise is like perfume
I'll lavish mine on You
Till every drop is gone
I'll pour my love on You

-- "Pour My Love on You" by Phillips, Craig & Dean

I have over 1,000 songs on my computer, and a couple of hundred in my portable MP3 player. There are some songs that I always seem to skip through to get to my favourites. "Pour My Love on You" is one of those songs, and even though I must have heard it many times before, I only truly listened today.

It sounds so simple, to lay everything at Jesus' feet the way Mary did, but I often find myself holding back the few drops in that bottle. I don't know why, but I do it anyway, for some inexplicable need to claim something as my own: my tears, my sorrow, my pain, my insecurities, my fears. But as I was thinking about that -- trying to find a way to explain my unreason -- God dropped His word into my heart: "Abide in Me, and I in you..." (John 15:4). If I was afraid to lose myself in Him, God assures me that He gave it all to lose Himself in me. And He did it first. He's been there, done that, and He knows that it isn't easy. As much as I am afraid to trust Someone so unconditionally, to belong to Someone so entirely, He assures me that He has chosen to belong to me. Entirely and unconditionally.

Ash Wednesday

2006-02-28T00:22:00.000+08:00

Lent begins this Wednesday. We've never followed any strict observances, but this year I feel convicted to consciously set aside this time for God.

During the forty days of Lent, we're asked to draw closer to Christ. Remembering Jesus' forty days in the wilderness, we give up something or add a discipline that helps us walk through this life with a sense of purpose.

-- Melissa Browning, Journey to the Cross: A Daily Online Lenten Devotional Guide

It's exciting and daunting, as it often is in obedience to God, and in trusting in His calling and His promises. :)

Generosity

2006-02-22T00:34:00.000+08:00

In the episode of E.R. where Mark Greene dies, his parting words to his daughter, Rachel, are: "Be generous. Always." I guess it was the way he said it -- as if it was the single most important thing in the world -- that etched the scene in my mind, and in the years that have followed, I have realised the wisdom in those words.

I have seen the difference that generosity makes -- generosity that gives without expectation, generosity that defies logic: extending forgiveness before an apology is offered, offering a listening ear in spite of a toppling workload, lending unsolicited help or act of kindness... I have been blessed at having received them, and I hope that, in time, I will learn to bless others more. Always.

It seems silly to find gems in a TV show, but it would be foolish to think that God can't use anything to speak to us.

***

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."

-- 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (NKJV)

When someone you love becomes a memory

2006-01-25T22:13:00.000+08:00

Dad suggested we make a trip down to the columbarium, so we did. We didn't asked any questions; we didn't need any reasons.

Standing in front of the niche, I couldn't quite believe that it's been five years since Grandma left us. Grandpa's second death anniversary is coming up in two weeks. There are no words, you know. None for the memories, none for the tears, none for the grief, none for the joy that they brought us.

As we were about to leave, I caught sight of a tiny card at the corner of one of the other niches. I read what was written on it, and my tears welled up again; they fell in large droplets onto the ground, some splashed against my feet.

"When someone you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure."

What has changed?

2006-01-23T23:50:00.000+08:00

I'm having trouble with one of my modules. It's the same problem that I had when I was studying sociology, but worse.

My main gripe with studies about human behaviour is that they tend to put people in boxes. While I realise that generalisation and statistics are sometimes needed for the sake of, say, debate, I am extremely loath to apply specific theories to the way I interact with others; not just that, I don't even want some of these theories to make their way to my head if it makes me doubt others the way I don't want to.

Just because someone rates low on a "How Driven Are You" test doesn't mean that they're lazy; just because someone fails doesn't mean that they're worth any less; just because someone is in the position to rat on you doesn't mean that they will; just because you have the opportunity to move up doesn't mean that you should.

I'm aware that workplace politics are very real, and that they want to equip us for these changes, but we're still dealing with people, aren't we? They're still human, aren't they? What has changed, really? Jesus didn't care what other people thought; He loved them so much that He gave up His throne in heaven to walk among them as a mere mortal. He did this without condition, without any hidden agendas. He loved them all whether they were rich or poor; He loved them when they were unclean; He loved them even when they were crucifying Him.

I don't really know how I'm going to get through this module; I hope it gets better as we approach more impersonal topics, although that seems somewhat unfair. In the end, I hope that if there's anything I take away from the lessons, it isn't the formulas or the codes of etiquette, but that I learn to put Jesus above all of this. Because if I do not love, I am nothing.

This road

2006-01-14T00:53:00.000+08:00

A million miles away from anything familiar
A thousand places I would rather be
So I choke back the tears, and try to find the bright side
Though I find it hard to see beyond my suffering

In my heart I know Your plan is so much bigger
This small part is all that I can see
And I believe You haven't left me here to wander
Still I can't help but ponder where You're leading me

And I ask
Why this road, why this way, and this load
Tell me how far must I go
Till I see, till I know, why this road

A million miles away from anything familiar
What was it like to be so far from home?
And though You came in love, the world misunderstood You
There must've been some days when You felt so alone

But You endured because there was joy before You
Joy that came because You sacrificed
Since You gave Yourself just to spend forever with me
Surely I can trust You'll lead me, through my darkest times

From here I cannot see
Why You choose this path for me
But I don't have to understand to believe
That You know why...

You know
Why this road, why this way, and this load
You know how far I must go
Till I see, till I know, why this road

-- "This Road" by Ginny Owens

(Download 06 This Road.wma, 5.00 MB, 04:20, via Mooload)

Thinking of you

2006-01-08T22:47:00.000+08:00

Dear Rocky,

It's been raining a lot lately; this current shower has been going on for what must be a full day now.

It reminded me of a dream I had about you the other day. I dreamt that I was out, taking a walk on our usual route, as I sometimes do these days -- alone. As I turned the corner, there you were staring back at me, relief written all over your face. You were so tired from walking (for what must be months now, if the chronology follows) and I cried as I took you into my arms and planted kisses all over your face. I carried you all the way home, and you buried your face between my pillows the way you always did -- I always wondered if that was because you wanted to warm your nose; I know my nose gets really cold in the early hours of the morning.

But that was like the time you got lost, remember? Must've been years ago now; I remember being in my JC uniform. It was raining then, too. I remember the three of us walking in the rain for about an hour; I cried the whole way, but we finally found you. It wasn't the first time that you'd run out because the gate had been left open, but it was the first time you couldn't find your way home. I don't know who was more worried (and relieved) then, you or us. Perhaps that was one of the early signs of your dulling senses, but we certainly never thought of it that way.

I miss you. These memories, they keep coming unannounced; I'm grateful for them, in ways that I can't explain. But I miss you -- they make me miss you more. And these days it does feel like you've lost your way again, and with all of my heart, I hope that you have truly found Home.

Goodnight, hon.

I love you.

***

Getting over it so soon? But the words are ambiguous. To say the patient is getting over it after an operation for appendicitis is one thing; after he's had his leg off it is quite another. After that operation either the wounded stump heals or the man dies. If it heals, the fierce, continuous pain will stop. Presently he'll get back his strength and be able to stump about on his wooden leg. He has 'got over it'. But he will probably have recurrent pains in the stump all his life, and perhaps pretty bad ones; and he will always be a one-legged man. There will be hardly any moment when he forgets it. Bathing, dressing, sitting down and getting up again, even lying in bed, will all be different. His whole way of life will be changed. All sorts of pleasures and activities that he once took for granted will have to be simply written off. Duties too. At present I am learning to get about on crutches. Perhaps I shall presently be given a wooden leg. But I shall never be a biped again.

-- A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis

Jesus said

2006-01-02T03:11:00.000+08:00

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved." -- John 3:16-17

"But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you." -- Matthew 6:33

"'And you shall love the Lord with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.' This is the first commandment. And the second, like it, is this: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these." -- Mark 12:30-31

There is something decidedly attractive in clean slates and second chances. So while the rest of the world make their new year resolutions, I thought it'd be a good time to pen down some reminders for the year ahead. :)

To Jesus, the Man I call Lover, Friend, Saviour, and Prince: thank you for another year of faithfulness and exceeding love; thank you for your words, your wisdom, your truth.

Another year, another step. Another new journey.

Christmas

2005-12-23T01:59:00.000+08:00

Something to think about this Christmas. :)

This Christmas, Christians have been caught in the throes of a war on semantics. We are seeing and hearing more “Happy Holidays” and less “Merry Christmases.” The beloved “Christmas tree” has turned into being a “Holiday tree." One television ad plays regularly with carolers singing: “We Wish You A Happy Holiday” to the tune of “We Wish You A Merry Christmas.”

One can surely see why a general mood of fighting back could prevail. I have seen numerous emails floating around with pictures of Christmas trees lamenting the secularization of Christmas. The underlying tone of these messages so far has been one of anger and partisanship, as if to say: “They can't take our Christmas away from us!”

It's an interesting question and one we need to consider seriously. If this a battle, on what level do we fight it? If someone wishes us “Happy Holidays,” do we respond with a hearty “Merry Christmas,” thus striking a blow for the kingdom of God?

I'm not so sure it's as important as all this. After all, it's Christ that is the issue, not Christmas. I don't even think Jesus cares very much about what we or anyone else call an evergreen with lights on it in December. Jesus never cared much about labels anyway; He always cared more about what was in the heart.

Here's how you put Christ back into Christmas: you celebrate Him as Lord of your life and ruler of your heart, and you love even those who want to take Christmas out of the Holiday equation. Jesus didn't come to condemn the world, but to save it (John 3:17). He came to forgive sins -- mine… yours… everybody's. Jesus came to seek and to save that which was lost. Let's not let religious pride get in the way of the core message of the gospel. It's never been us against them; it's us for them. We mustn't forget that Jesus came to die for the very people who are trying to secularize our country.

In our zeal to keep Christ in Christmas, let's be careful not to alienate the very people who need Him the most -- those who don't know Him. People are more likely to be set on the road to salvation by loving, caring believers who are secure in the hope of the real Christ living in their lives, and whose faith is brighter than any Christmas tree.

It's what's in your heart that really counts this Christmas. Let's not get so taken up with fighting to save a name that we forget to live out the reality of the hope of Christ to the world. If people end up encountering the real Christ of Christmas, it will matter little what we end up calling the holiday itself.

-- "Holiday Wars" by John Fischer

Justice and mercy

2005-12-21T23:53:00.000+08:00

There is an unspeakable irony in the way that God always seems to put me first, and I treat Him with nowhere near the way He deserves.

***

Sinners, wrung with true repentence
Doomed for guilt to endless pains
Justice now revokes the sentence
Mercy calls you; break your chains

-- From "Angels from the Realms of Glory" by James Montgomery

Not a morbid entry, really!

2005-12-16T01:27:00.000+08:00

One of the album's most poignant songs is "Homesick," one of eight songs on the album written by [Bart] Millard, who penned "I Can Only Imagine" after his father died of cancer in 1991. "'I Can Only Imagine' took the focus off of what you are going through and was comforting because it put the focus on where they were going," he says. "Homesick is the opposite because it completely addresses us that are left here. I don't think as a Christian that it's right for me to say, 'I wish you could've stayed here,' because truthfully, we're getting the raw end of the deal if we really believe what we say that heaven is as great as we want it to be. The whole idea is that we're the ones who have to wait."

-- From Christianity Today

***

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk by Your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When Your face is before me

I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus, or in awe of You be still
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship You

I can only imagine

-- "I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe

***

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't You give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me, Lord, 'cause I don't understand Your ways
The reason why -- I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if You showed me, the hurt would be the same
'Cause I'm still here so far away from home

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again

-- "Homesick" by MercyMe

***

Keeping promises to the dead, or to anyone else, is very well. But I begin to see that 'respect for the wishes of the dead' is a trap. Yesterday I stopped myself only in time from saying about some trifle 'H. wouldn't have liked that.' This is unfair to the others. I should soon be using 'what H. would have liked' as an instrument of... tyranny; with her supposed likings becoming a thinner disguise for my own.

-- A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis

***

Just some things that I've been pondering over; no, not because of anything particular that has happened. After all, these things happen, and one is allowed to dwell on thoughts about life and death. And yet these are issues that plague only the living (as does this world); perhaps it is only responsible to make preparations for them while we can.

People do this in many ways, but mine is going to be short and sweet: if in the event that I become somewhat incapacitated, either by death or in some other absurd manner, let my sister decide what to do with my possessions, online and off. It doesn't matter if what she does with it is not what I would have done, because sometimes what I would have done is not what is best for those who love me. It doesn't matter if she screws up -- I do it all the time -- I doubt that I'll be watching from heaven, waiting to zap down balls of fires when she does. Just let her decide what to burn and what to keep, what to show and what to hide, what to give and what to hold back.

Give her a hug, wipe away her tears; love one another; these are the things that matter.

Listen to the sound of Jesus

2005-11-19T02:07:00.000+08:00

What I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
On to the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed

The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again, "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory!"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

What I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone

Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed

The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again, "Boy you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
On top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

-- "Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns

I love that last part, about the stone being the right size, and the waves not seeming as high. I feel like a broken record already, but if I say it too often, it's only because it's the truth; some days the circumstances make it so difficult to keep my eyes on the big picture, on what matters. But when I am reminded of what He has done for me, and the promises that He has for me, my heart inevitably skips a beat; like I'm falling in love all over again.

Steadfast

2005-11-15T14:41:00.000+08:00

God, Himself, is not the enigma. He is the constant, the one “thing” of which I am sure. He will always be bigger, of course, than any comprehension we have of Him, but nonetheless is faithful in Who He is, His integrity is beyond reproach. Humanity is another matter; and ecclesiastical humanity is anybody’s guess.

-- by Jim, Brainwaves

Exam prayer request

2005-11-12T21:12:00.000+08:00

I guess this is one thing (well, collectively) that has been keeping me away from blogging, and probably will continue to for some time:

Nov 18 - Membrane Science
Nov 22 - Design 1
Nov 23 - Food Technology
Nov 26 - Bahasa Indonesia 1
Nov 28 - Reading British/World Texts

So if you are so inclined to keep me in your prayers, you know I'll be grateful. :)

***

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths."

-- Proverbs 3:5-6

Perfect plan

2005-11-08T11:46:00.000+08:00

Beautiful Lord, wonderful Saviour
I know for sure
All of my days are held in Your hands
Crafted into your perfect plan

You gently call me into Your presence
Guiding me by Your Holy Spirit
Teach me, dear Lord
To live all of my life through Your eyes

I'm captured by Your holy calling
Set me apart
I know you're drawing me to yourself
Lead me, Lord, I pray

Take me, mould me, use me, fill me
I give my life to the Potter's hand
Call me, guide me, lead me, walk beside me
I give my life to the Potter's hand

-- "The Potter's Hand" by Hillsong

How much You love me

2005-11-06T22:17:00.000+08:00

The nails in Your hands
The nail in Your feet
They tell me how much You love me
The thorns in your brow
They tell me how
You bore so much pain to love me

And when the heavens pass away
All Your scars will still remain
And forever they will say
How much You love me

-- "The Nails in Your Hands" by MercyMe

Trading my sorrows

2005-10-30T22:26:00.000+08:00

I am pressed but not crushed
Persecuted, not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I am blessed beyond the curse
For His promise will endure
That His joy's gonna be my strength

-- From "Trading My Sorrows" by Darrell Evans

Three dollars' worth of God

2005-10-25T17:01:00.000+08:00

Something to think about.

I would like to buy three dollars' worth of God, please.
Not enough to explode my soul,
or disturb my sleep,
but just enough to equal a cup of warm milk,
or a snooze in the sunshine.
I don't want enough of Him to make me love a black man
or pick beets with a migrant.
I want ecstasy,
not transformation.
I want the warmth of the womb,
not a new birth.
I want about a pound of the eternal
in a paper sack.
I would like to buy three dollars' worth of God, please.

-- Wilbur Reese (via Aussie Adventures)

Past and present

2005-10-24T21:24:00.000+08:00

Most days, I get by fine -- more than fine. There are many things to be joyful about and to be grateful for. But there are days where I come home, and just latching the gate brings a flood of tears; the sound of metal clanging together, unaccompanied by the the incessant barking of a dog to welcome you home, still sounds so unfamiliar to me. Like going to church without my Bible, or a night out at the movies without popcorn -- except that those things don't make you cry; not having your soulmate around does.

***

Grandma took two steps forward and looked thoughtfully at the two steps of our split-level living room. She furrowed her eyebrows and leaned herself on the wall. She insisted on walking on her own; I stood watching, ready to catch her if she fell.

She staggered slowly down the two steps; all the while I edged closer.

"I feel like a child learning how to walk again," she said, with a small smile. Finally reaching level ground, she heaved a sigh of relief, but her smile had disappeared; in its place, I saw her lips pursed in wistfulness, and her eyes glazed with a tinge of sadness.

Grandma

2005-10-23T23:05:00.000+08:00

Grandma is sick. If you can manage a prayer for her, I'd be immensely grateful. She's staying with us for the night, and hopefully we'll be able to convince her to let us take care of her. I completely understand that she doesn't want to burden us with her presence, but I wish she knew that there's nothing else that we'd rather do; for her to live on her own when she can't even walk in a straight line worries us beyond what she can imagine. We've been asking her to move in with us for years now; praying, hoping, waiting. It isn't the sickness; it's that she's my grandma.

Grandma is sick, and it is in these moments that my priorities get straightened out. I wish my grandma would come to know Jesus. It's not a project, it's not my mission; it's that Jesus is love. For years now... praying, hoping, waiting.

Rescue

2005-10-18T00:18:00.000+08:00

You are the source of life
I can't be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of You

I need You, Jesus
To come to my rescue
Where else can I go
There's no other name by
Which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow You

This world has nothing for me
I will follow You

-- "Rescue" by Jared Anderson

Promises

2005-10-16T23:14:00.000+08:00

Standing on the promises I cannot fall
Listening every moment to the Spirit’s call
Resting in my Saviour as my all in all
Standing on the promises of God

-- From "Standing on the Promises" by R. Kelso Carter

There aren't many moments more miserable than those in which I lose sight of God's promises to me. I was trying to put those sentiments into words, but somehow could not find the right ones. Then this song popped into my mind; I haven't heard or sung it in eons, but I know that's what God is calling me to do, to stand on His promises, because they are the ones that will come to pass.

Yesterday

2005-10-10T04:49:00.000+08:00

Sitting there yesterday, spent from the emotions, it suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't had such a meaningful exchange in a long time. Don't get me wrong, there are many things that are very important to me, that I talk about with others, but these days it feels like these conversations inevitably end up with us reaching some point where we (1) are incredibly frustrated by the indifference of those around us, or (2) hit this sticky part where we know -- if we take the conversation beyond -- will open an old can of worms that we no longer feel we have the energy to deal with. Some days, I find myself walking away from situations that I never would have before.

Sitting there yesterday, I felt my heart noticeably lighten, and my smile more easy than it had been in a while. We talked for hours, and it didn't matter that we didn't have the answers, or that there were so many things that we couldn't understand nor resolve. It was incredibly refreshing -- the sincerity and concern; where, for once, no one was trying to win an argument for argument's sake, but all seeking after the one thing that truly mattered: the heart of the Father.

Losing love to find romance?

2005-10-09T00:12:00.000+08:00

I think one of the big reasons why most marriages end up failing, even in the Church, is because people are getting romance confused with love.

I was checking my e-mail the other day and over on the right side of the screen was a banner advertising an online dating site. At the top it said, “True love is a click away” and beneath that was a model in a black bikini. Since when do toned abs and a pretty face equal love? It seems preposterous to even acknowledge such a thing, yet it’s something that is all too common.

Men are told they are to get the most beautiful girl they can find. In a lot of people’s minds, the success of a man depends on the woman on his arm, or how many has been there before her. When he finds one that is beautiful and sexy, he is lucky, successful, and envied by his peers. I imagine he enjoys knowing that the heads of every man in the room turn to look at his significant other, that so many others are envious of his position. This makes him feel powerful and in control, as if the girl on his arm made him more attractive by just being there.

Women can hear that story and think how silly it is, yet how often, including myself, do we wish we were that girl? How often do we need a man’s approval to feel worth anything? Too often, I think.

-- "The Mysterious Distance" by Drea

Butt prints in the sand

2005-09-27T23:05:00.000+08:00

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.
But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord,
“What have we here?”
Those prints are large and round and neat,
But Lord, they are too big for yours or my feet.
My child, He said in somber tone,
For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait.
You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know.
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you, on your butt.
Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight and one must climb.
When one must rise and one must stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand.

-- Author unknown (via Chris)

A humourous (but sobering) twist to the famous "Footprints in the Sand." :)

Only You

2005-09-23T00:39:00.000+08:00

How could I live without You
How could I survive
Without Your love
Without Your touch
You're the One that heals me
And cleanses my heart
And sets me free

Now I come right before You
With my hands lifted up
With my heart humbly bowed
At Your work on the cross
As You hung there and died
You were paying the price
For my life

For Your love is higher than the heavens
Deeper than the seas
And all I want is You in my life
No one else can satisfy my soul
Can make me feel this way
Only You Lord, only You

-- "How Could I Live" by Hillsong

[Edit: The Chinese version of this song can be downloaded from this thread, at around the middle of the page. Lyrics here, via D W.]

The blame game

2005-09-20T23:32:00.000+08:00

When we were done [protesting], I started wondering if we had accomplished anything. I started wondering whether we could actually change the world. I mean, of course we could -- we could change our buying habits, elect socially conscious representatives and that sort of thing, but I honestly don't believe we will be solving the greater human conflict with our efforts. The problem is not a certain type of legislation or even a certain politician; the problem is the same that it has always been.

I am the problem.

I think every conscious person, every person who is awake to the functioning principles within his reality, has a moment where he stops blaming the problems in the world on group think, on humanity and authority, and starts to face himself. I hate this more than anything. This is the hardest principle within Christian spirituality for me to deal with. The problem is not out there; the problem is the needy beast of a thing that lives in my chest.

[...]

I don't have to watch the evening news to see that the world is bad, I only have to look at myself. I am not browbeating myself here; I am only saying that true change, true life-giving, God-honoring change would have to start with the individual.

-- Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller

I usually wait until I finish reading a book, before I pick out the good bits to post, because it may well be that I might start off loving the book, but end up hating it when I'm done; I try to keep an open mind. But this struck me hard, simply because this has been on my mind for a while now, and it makes me cringe to see it put into words, only because of how true it is. I'm guilty of playing that blame game too -- if only people were nicer, less stupid, cared more.

Walk by faith

2005-09-15T23:22:00.000+08:00

Will I believe You when You say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day

Help me to rid my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With one breath You made me new
Your grace covers all I do

I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

-- "Walk by Faith" by Jeremy Camp

For the tiny moments

2005-09-14T02:22:00.000+08:00

This was two Saturdays ago, when I was walking to the bus stop. I drive very little these days because my uncle has been borrowing the car (which isn't mine to begin with) with increasing frequency and over longer periods.

That afternoon, it had just rained. The air was cool to the touch, the scent of wet grass filled the senses, and the pavement was wonderfully speckled in pink by the flowers that had fallen. As I took slow, deliberate strides across the strewn petals, my heart burst with unspeakable joy, as if the path had been lined just for me. Just like that -- nothing fancy, no big "miracle" -- just a tiny moment between my Father and I, and the beauty of His creation in the midst of this concrete jungle, that made another day perfect. :)

List of a different kind

2005-09-12T01:41:00.000+08:00

"But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

-- Matthew 6:33-34 (NKJV)

"But I will hope continually,
And will praise You yet more and more.
My mouth will tell of Your righteousness
And Your salvation all the day,
For I do not know their limits."

-- Psalm 71:14-15 (NKJV)

I make lists.

Every day, I make a list of the things I have to do. Sometimes I finish them all, other times I don't. But I make them anyway -- my "To Do" lists.

Now and then, when I'm overwhelmed by how much I have on my plate, I sit down and draw up a prayer list -- things to pray for, when I can do nothing else; there are so many things that I actually have to write them out. I pray for people who I cannot help, I pray for the courage that I lack, I pray for the windows that are stuck fast to be opened; things that are ridiculously huge, things that I've failed at on my own, things that make my heart ache.

Tonight, as I revisited the oldest list of the lot, my tears smudged the ink on the pages, as I ticked off the items one by one -- prayers answered, requests fulfilled, despite how bleak and impossible it may have seemed when they were penned, and despite me having forgotten half of what I wrote.

And I realised that it's true: to pursue anything else -- no matter how noble it may seem -- is all a chasing after the wind.

I looked back at the items on the list, and I realised that the one thing they all had in common: I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything but pray... and put the check beside it afterwards. My "Nothing for me To Do" list.

***

It was a beautiful letdown
The day I knew
That all the riches this world had to offer me
Would never do

It was a beautiful letdown
When You found me here
For once in a rare blue moon
I see everything clear

-- "The Beautiful Letdown" by Switchfoot

My heart's desire

2005-08-30T00:35:00.000+08:00

It seems so many girls desire the fairy tale life. They long for the prince to come and sweep them away. I don’t really want that. I want to be pursued, yes. But I don’t really desire the “princely” sort of things. I couldn’t care less about flowers and chocolates; I would prefer an evening of good conversation. I don’t always need to be showered in jewelry; I would prefer a good CD or concert tickets. I enjoy flowers, chocolates, jewelry, and other relationship trademarks, but I don’t need them.

As I’ve been thinking about marriage, I realize that I do not desire a prince. Instead, I desire my best friend. I desire someone that I can stay up talking to all night even after a year or ten of marriage. I desire someone that I can laugh with. I desire someone who I could wear my Hello Kitty pajama pants around without feeling self-conscious. I desire someone who knows me well enough to know that tradition and presents and words do not impress me. Instead, I desire honesty, even when it hurts. I desire someone who is not afraid to call me on my stupidity and pride. I desire someone who loves God more than they will ever love me.

I was talking about dating and marriage with another friend of mine the other day. She said someone told her that it’s important for a female to place her heart into the hands of God, then her partner must go there to find it. That’s true. I believe that is one of the reasons marriage is not quite as sacred and beautiful as it used to be. So many marriages are God-free. And a marriage without God in the center is destined to fail at some point. It says in Scripture that God is love. And what is a marriage without love?

-- "I Thee Wed" by Drea

I feel a little guilty that I keep posting chunks of Drea's diary, but the girl has wisdom beyond her years, and the uncanny ability to put into words the things that I feel but am unable to crystallise in the written form.

(Drea, if you mind me doing this, please just say the word!)

The cry of my heart

2005-08-29T12:43:00.000+08:00

You said: "Ask and you will receive whatever you need."
You said: "Pray and I'll hear from heaven,
And I'll heal your land."

You said Your glory will fill the earth
Like water the sea
You said: "Lift up your eyes;
The harvest is here, the kingdom is near."

You said: "Ask and I'll give the nations to you."
Lord, that's the cry of my heart
Distant shores and the islands will see
Your love as it rises on us

-- "You Said" by Reuben Morgan

The inside

2005-08-27T04:04:00.000+08:00

But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have refused him. For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

-- 1 Samuel 16:7 (NKJV)

I've never been one for huge parties; never been quite the social butterfly. There are many good things about being part of a community, a group of trusted friends and/or family, but I guess -- in the way that we all have our preferences -- for me, it's always been about getting to know each individual person. Heart to heart, one on one: what makes him tick, what makes her heart skip a beat, why he always chooses cynicism over optimism, how she manages to keep on forgiving each time someone hurts her.

So for me, this verse has always held special meaning; I stumble all the time, but I hope that I will never stop trying to see others for what they are beyond their "outward appearance."

For a long time, "outward appearance" held mere physical meaning to me; the colour of one's eyes and hair, how tall or short they were, if their shirt cost $200 or $2. But I realised that these masks that we have -- they're so much more than that. While our physical attributes are sometimes beyond our control, there are parts of ourselves that we constantly choose to project over others, even online, where something as seemingly innocuous as words on a screen -- stripped of the commercial definitions of "beauty" from the fashion industry -- is no less formidable a facade. This doesn't even have to be a conscious effort on our part, nor a deliberate ploy to deceive; it is simply the result of the impossibility of translating the complexity of a human being into mere words.

And I realised that "outward appearance" doesn't just mean the things I see, but also the things I hear, the things I touch, the things I perceive, with all of my fallible human senses -- that in the end, no matter how well I may think I know someone, only God knows their hearts. My initial reaction to this realisation was admittedly some disappointment; you mean after all my efforts to get to know someone, I can never truly understand anyone?

But then I remember how good God is, how much He loves me -- so much that I can never fully comprehend, or hope to comprehend -- then I realise that it's okay. There's plenty ~~more~~ for me to do: pray, trust, obey, and love. (If you've tried to keep up with any of those, you'll know that I mean it when I say that's really more than enough to keep me occupied.) Along the way, I will enjoy the laughter and tears shared, and I hope that I will be able to manage that hug or shoulder for someone to cry on -- even when I don't always understand.

***

This world can analyze
And size you up
And throw you on the scales
They can I.Q. you and run you through
Their rigorous details
They can do their best to rate you
And they'll place you on the charts
And then back it up with scientific smarts

But there's more to what you're worth
Than their human eyes can see

I say the measure of a man
Is not how tall you stand
How wealthy or intelligent you are
'Cause I've found out the measure of a man
God knows and understands
For He looks inside to the bottom of your heart
And what's in the heart defines
The measure of a man

Well, you can doubt your worth
And search for who you are
And where you stand
But God made you in His image
When He formed you in His hands
And He looks at you with mercy
And He sees you through His love
You're His child and that will always be enough

For there's more to what you're worth
Than you could ever comprehend

You can spend your life pursuing physical perfection
There is so much more
More than ever meets the eye
For God looks through the surface
And He defines your worth by what is on the inside

-- "The Measure of a Man" by 4Him

(Download song here, 3.73 MB, 04:04, via YouSendIt.com, link ~~expires in 7 days~~ expired, available upon request)

Thaw out my convictions

2005-08-17T11:12:00.000+08:00

This road is winding, narrow and steep
And I can't keep walking with frozen feet
My spirit is not willing
My heart is cold as ice
Thaw out my convictions
The passions left my life

I don't want to be a flame
I want to be a raging fire
Tired of my will, my way
Your calling's higher
I know it's time I stopped running from the truth
So I'll stand here still, until I'm filled
I wanna be moved
I wanna be moved by You

Wanna be a rebel with a holy cause
Stand against the devil and hold up my cross
You have a mission for me
A reason why I'm here
To radiate Your glory
With sweet songs to Your ears

-- "I Wanna be Moved" by Ginny Owens

More of You in my life

2005-08-08T04:05:00.000+08:00

"You visit the earth and water it,
You greatly enrich it;
The river of God is full of water;
You provide their grain,
For so You have prepared it.
You water its ridges abundantly,
You settle its furrows;
You make it soft with showers,
You bless its growth.

"You crown the year with Your goodness,
And Your paths drip with abundance."

-- Psalm 65:9-11 (NKJV)

... And so the new semester begins. :)

Aftermath

2005-08-03T01:24:00.000+08:00

I suppose just knowing that there is a season for everything satisfies the "why," but the question that keeps forming in my mind is the "how." There are times where I'm pouring myself a glass of water, or turning the key to the ignition of the car, or just towelling myself from a shower, and everything just gives way to the question of how a life could just cease to exist. I can't understand it; he was here, and now he's gone? How did that happen?

The pain is especially acute whenever my eye catches hold of one of the many photos of him that I've put up. It's something that no amount of science or theology can explain -- that feeling of sheer bewilderness.

***

The truth is that, before Rocky, I don't think I really even liked dogs. I'm still hesitant about labelling myself a "dog-lover"; I loved -- love -- Rocky, that I know, but I don't know if I can claim to love all dogs, just as there are people that I love with my life, but I'd never purport to embrace the entire human race. I wish I were that giving, but I can only try my best, a little every day.

The truth is that it wasn't love at first sight; not quite what you might've imagined, I bet. I think I was actually frightened of Rocky the first time we met. I'd been bitten by a neighbour's dog before -- I still have the scar on my right thigh to show for it -- and you know what they say about being bitten. So I really didn't see this coming -- I didn't see myself falling so hard, so fast, for this... dog. It took me a while to warm up to him, but the day I held out my fist to him -- for him to gnaw -- it was in that moment that I realised that I could be totally vulnerable with him, and he would never hurt me. For a pre-teen who was just getting a taste of puppy love (the human kind) and the corresponding heartbreaks, this was something new -- this was something wonderful.

The truth is that, while God gave me the ability to love, Rocky probably gave me the most practice.

I would give the world to tell Your story

2005-07-31T16:05:00.000+08:00

Love unfailing
Overtaking my heart
You take me in
Finding peace again
Love is lost in all You are

And I would give the world to tell Your story
'Cause I know that You've called me
I've lost myself for good within Your promise
I won't hide it

Jesus, I believe in You
And I would go to the ends of the earth
To the ends of the earth
For you alone are the Son of God
And all the world will see
That You are God

-- "To the Ends of the Earth" by Marty Sampson and Joel Houston

(Download song here, 8.09 MB, 05:53, via YouSendIt.com, link ~~expires in 7 days~~ expired, available upon request)

The paradox of love

2005-07-20T22:41:00.000+08:00

Something from a sermon some weeks back keeps replaying in my mind. It was about prayer, an area where I very often fall short; whether or not we pray, we send God a message. It's just that when we don't pray, the message that we're sending God is that of "God, not now," or "God, You are not important in my life."

I've been sending God that sentiment a lot lately -- placing many other things above pursuing Him. I remember all of the times where I've felt neglected, or taken for granted, from my family and friends, and I am forced to recognise that I'm just as guilty, if not more. Sometimes I just cannot fathom why He takes me back over and over again, when in all His knowledge, He knows that I will most probably fail Him. I guess that's what they call true love.

***

To have found God and still to pursue Him is the soul's paradox of love, scorned indeed by the too easily satisfied religionist, but justified in happy experience by the children of the burning heart.

[...]

We can exaggerate about many things; but we can never exaggerate our obligation to Jesus or the compassionate abundance of the love of Jesus to us.

-- The Pursuit of God by A. W. Tozer

Not just a teen problem

2005-07-11T16:12:00.000+08:00

The amount of self-esteem problems in girls around my age is shocking. It takes something so tiny and seemingly unsignificant to make us feel unpretty. And sometimes when we feel unpretty, it sticks because no one ever tells us otherwise.

I was thinking a bit about relationships tonight and about how I've been desiring to be in one lately. I'm well aware that I am not near ready to be someone's partner, but there are certainly moments when I'd like to be. I was thinking how hard it is to find a genuine guy, someone who is able to see a female's heart before her body, or her mind before her willingness to be made into what he chooses she should be. I realized soon that it's not just the guys who tend to judge people based solely on outer appearances. Girls are just as bad.

When I was younger, I remember sitting around with my girlfriends and talking about who we thought was cute and dateable. I had a thing for Jonathan Taylor Thomas, then later moved on to Joshua Jackson and Brian Littrell. At that age, it was the coolest thing imaginable to have a boyfriend. We all wanted one that others would envy, the cutest and the best of the bunch. Some women still think that way years later. We want a man who matches the men we see in the cologne ads or on the cover of trashy romance novels. We want the men showcased in our magazine selections, the ones who are tall, dark, and handsome. We'll get together with other girls and we'll talk about the most attractive and sometimes snicker at the one who is lacking, whether he's in that very magazine or simply walking by. Judging someone based on his or her looks is not simply a man's problem and it took me a while to get that.

I've decided I'm going to try very hard not to be that shallow of a woman. And I've also decided I'm going to try very hard not to desire that shallow of a guy. I deserve more than that, and so does whatever man I happen to end up with.

-- "The Bold and the Beautiful" by Drea

Romans 12:9-10

2005-07-05T13:40:00.000+08:00

"Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honour giving preference to one another..." (NKJV)

"Don't just pretend that you love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Stand on the side of good. Love each other with genuine affection and take delight in honouring each other." (NLT)

A little bit of crazy

2005-07-01T22:12:00.000+08:00

I feel like a little girl
Trying to conquer the whole wide world
Everybody wants a piece of me
And I just don't know where to turn
I've got worked piled up to my head
All I want to do is jump into bed
And wash away my troubles with lemonade

All I need is a good disguise
One where nobody can recognise
That I'm feeling so small

-- "Little Superhero Girl" by Corrinne May

***

The timing couldn't have been any better; the laughter was really a welcomed distraction. The truth is that, I've been feeling a little under the weather this past week, and I'm grateful for any respite that I can find.

***

I talked to an old friend the other day, and as she put up wall after wall after wall, my heart broke. I know where it's heading because I've watched her self-destruct time after time after time, over all these years. And each time she is hurt, a new wall goes up; each time, it gets harder to tear down.

We talked, we laughed, and then fell silent.

I heard her tears though the silence, and I cried.

***

I read this, and I cried.

I listened to this, and I cried.

***

Last night, an SMS came in: "You will be to me unique in the world. I will be to you unique in the world."

Suddenly, the cloud lifted, and all was good again.

And I cried, and cried, and cried.

Partnerships

2005-06-29T20:46:00.000+08:00

A marriage is not an equal partnership, where a couple are looking constantly to ensure that everything is divided 50-50. That makes us calculative and mean, and reduces the marriage to a conditional clause: As long as he lives up to his end of the bargain, so will I.

Instead of looking for the right person to be our spouse, we have to be the right person for them. We have to give 110 per cent without any conditions or strings attached to the marriage contract -- which, hopefully, we enter into with our eyes open.

The marriage vow basically says that even if a husband turns out to be a scumbag or a couch potato who cares more for Man U than for his mother-in-law, we still have to accept him.

-- "I Say: To love... is to obey" by Frances Ong Hock Lin, Today Online

There is a feminist inside of me that still cringes at the word "submission," so I usually don't take too well to articles exhorting me to do so. But I thought Frances Ong did well enough, and these few paragraphs, at least, are sobering reminders.

I guess the principle really applies for relationships in general; if we keep trying to measure the proportion of effort put into a relationship, we will never stop long enough to appreciate the true miracle that is the intertwining of souls.

(Related: Faith's "Sit, roll over, play dead, obey... good dog!")

***

[Edit: Some noteworthy responses from "Submission: Choice or Trap?"

"The question I pose is this: Do men respect women as much as women are willing to accord men power?"

-- Gwendalynn Lim Wan Ting

"It is up to each couple to decide the terms on which they want their relationship to be built. It is unfair to fault wives who are more independent in their views. Frances found her equilibrium, but I think that equilibrium should not be a template for all relationships.

"Equality comes from the ability to make a choice. Men should never expect their wives to submit, and if a woman does, the man would do well to remember that she does it because she chooses to -- and not because it is his right to have a submissive wife."

-- Felicia Chan]

If I do not love...

2005-06-28T23:57:00.000+08:00

I could travel over oceans
Cross the deserts, climb the mountains
Just to share Your story
Bring You glory, and win souls for You

I could sing like an angel
Songs so humble and so thankful
Full of drama and emotion
So the world would know Your truth

I could give away my money
And my clothes and my food
To restore those people
Who are poor, and lost, and down-and-out

I could succeed at all these things
Find favour with peasants and kings...

But if I do not love, I am nothing

I could live a flawless life
Never cheat or steal or lie
And always speak so kindly
Smile so warmly, and go about doing good

I could dedicate myself to do
What everyone else wants me to
Listen to them, compliment them
Say the things I should

I could show up every Sunday
Lead the choir and Bible study
And they all might come to know me
As a leader and a friend

I could achieve success on earth
But success cannot define my worth
And all these actions, all these words
Will not matter in the end

'Cause songs will fade to silence
Stories -- they will cease
The dust will settle
Covering all my selfless deeds

So as I strive to serve You
Won't You make it clear to me...

If I do not love, I am nothing

If I cannot live my life loving my brother
Then how can I love The One who lived His life for me?

Sent to earth from heaven
Humble servant, Holy King
Come to share a story, get no glory
And save my searching soul

You knew that I'd deny You, crucify You
But nothing could stop You from
Living for me, dying for me, so that I would know

That songs will fade to silence
Stories will cease
The dust will settle
Covering these selfless deeds

But Your life here has made it
Clear enough for me to see...

That if I do not love, I am nothing

-- "I am Nothing" by Ginny Owens

Living Word

2005-06-27T02:05:00.000+08:00

As part of God's revelation to man, [Scripture] is to be read and reread, heard and reheard. For the most part, it doesn't pop at you on first reading, so it doesn't go stale on you on tenth reading.

But it does go opaque. It's kind of strange, isn't it, how a familiar passage doesn't become dull so much as silent. They don't tell you what you already know; they simply don't tell you anything at all. And of course there are passages that are silent from first reading on.

And then... pop! "The servant must have told the father his eldest son wouldn't come in to the celebration. I can be that servant, praying to God that my too-proud friend might return to the Church." Or whatever. A whole new vein is discovered, and the passage becomes a profitable mine once more...

In my experience, this process recurs often enough that one is soon convinced it will not end in this life, that the wisdom of God contained in the Bible is indeed without limit, that its cup cannot be drained.

-- "Saucers of wisdom" by John da Fiesole, Disputations (via After Abortion)

Echoes of love

2005-06-26T23:55:00.000+08:00

Lovely are Your dwelling places
Thirsty, I come after You
Jesus: my joy, my reward
Your love's restoring my soul
Now I'm Yours, and You are mine
And from my heart a song will rise

I love You, I love You, I love You...
And my heart will follow wholly after You

Jesus, there is none beside You
Righteous ruler of the earth
Nations will come and bow down
Name over all names
I sing Your praises
And all I can say to You is

I love You, I love You, I love You...
And my heart will follow wholly after You

-- "Dwelling Places" by Hillsong

Whenever I've sung this song in the past, my voice instinctively lowers at the chorus. Am I even allowed to sing this? Do I love God enough to be proclaiming this?

Today, as I sang it in church, something moved in my heart... What you are singing to Me is just a faint echo of what I feel for you, even before there was time -- a faint echo of what My Son cried out to you when He stretched out His hands on the cross.

So today, as the tears fell, I sang the chorus at the top of my voice -- even though I may never fully know the meaning of such a thing as love, especially in the way that I'm loved; I love You, but only because You first loved me.

Above all

2005-06-25T23:17:00.000+08:00

Above all powers, above all kings
Above all nature and all created things
Above all wisdom and all the ways of man
You were here before the world began

Above all kingdoms, above all thrones
Above all wonders the world has ever known
Above all wealth and treasures of the earth
There's no way to measure what You're worth

Crucified, laid behind a stone
You lived to die, rejected and alone
Like a rose trampled on the ground
You took the fall, and thought of me
Above all

-- "Above All" by Michael W. Smith

When I heard this song for the first time, many years ago, I was left speechless. Most days, it's still unfathomable to me that The One who could have anything in (and out of) this world -- anything He wanted -- would choose to want me.

It's the stuff that too-good-to-be-true fairy tales are made of. Except that it is good, and it is true.

Them

2005-06-24T13:11:00.000+08:00

I don't know who else will find this useful, so I suppose this will be a reminder for myself more than anything.

One of the best piece of advices I've read with regards to dealing with other people is just to remember that God made them in His image too. I've found that it also works for when I get riled reading the news, and even when I peruse blogs. It gives an interesting and fresh perspective; when we cannot see the good in others, it may not always be their fault.

Of course, the problem with good advice is that we often chuck them out anyway, and sometimes when we are most in need of them. The irony of that makes me want to kick my table in frustration.

I wonder if God ever kicks His table.

Sacrificing God?

2005-06-22T23:02:00.000+08:00

This letter appeared in yesterday's paper:

I refer to [...] the story centred on the 13-year-old twin brothers, Araunah and Ornan Wei, who have qualified for the Junior Training Scheme by the Triathlon Association of Singapore (TAS). They may not be able to train as training falls on Sundays, which clashes with the twins' church-going commitments.

TAS honorary secretary Stephen Lee commented that "it's disheartening when athletes can't sacrifice for their sport". He is effectively measuring a person's faith in God and sports on the same scale.

This is not a choice between national sports and, say, taekwando classes or studies. The comparison is thoughtless and simplistic.

-- "Twin athletes' Chariot of Fire dilemma" by Tricia Tong, Today Online (Link mine)

I couldn't have written it better myself. I don't think you need to be particularly religious to show a little bit more sensitivity than that, Mr Lee. (Click for full.)

Idle chatter

2005-06-20T13:40:00.000+08:00

At which point does small talk cross over into idle chatter, then to gossip? And at which point in the conversation -- on this spectrum -- do you stop and say, okay, let's talk about something else?

So how has everyone been? Jane is still overseas right? Anyone know how she is, or when she's coming back?

Small talk.

How are things with Jane and Tom, exactly? They weren't doing too good, right?

Idle chatter?

I heard that they've broken up, and she's dating Dick now.

Gossip?

Sometimes it's not even that clear-cut; the progression of the conversation gets you so quickly that -- before you know it -- all you can do is to take responsibility for its propagation. So... dispense with small talk altogether?

Getting down and dirty

2005-06-13T01:47:00.000+08:00

When people talk about their ideal spouse, they always generate a list of qualities that they find desirable. They want beauty and intelligence, humor and compassion, zeal for life, love for the Lord, blond hair and blue eyes. People of a particular denomination of the church typically want someone who is also of that denomination ("a nice Catholic girl," or "a nice Southern Baptist girl with a few Reformed tendencies, but who understands the importance of missions and speaking in tongue"). We tend to find someone attractive when they share similar interests; same movies, same records, same doctrinal statements.

[...]

The Lord has a girl of His dreams and it is us, and we know what we're like at our very cores. Jesus didn't come to earth looking for a nice Presbyterian girl who liked Radiohead and The Flaming Lips just like He did, who had large breasts, long legs and wide hips and thought that infant baptism was really important, too. He came for us, and before we knew Him, we were emaciated whores.

-- "The Girl of Your Dreams," by Joshua Gibbs, Folding a Map (via Kyriosity)

Getting down and dirty. Sometimes we can't know how great a sacrifice was made -- is made -- until we know just how far we are from being worthy of it.

In Christ alone

2005-06-13T01:35:00.000+08:00

In Christ alone I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope -- in Christ alone

-- "In Christ Alone" by Phillips, Craig & Dean (Sample here)

Phillips, Craig & Dean's new medley of Stuart Townend's "In Christ Alone" has been stuck in my head the whole weekend. I've just been singing that chorus over and over, occasionally breaking down. I'm not going through a tough time -- at least, not tougher than usual; there's nothing to cry about, really. But I suppose that it is so rare to be stripped of all of the usual helplessness; for once, I didn't feel like I had to be rescued, or be comforted -- I just felt loved. In Christ, and by Christ. :)

If You want me to

2005-06-06T18:08:00.000+08:00

The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

'Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials
Bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire if You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put you through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to

-- "If You Want Me to" by Ginny Owens (Sample here)

These are some of my favourite words, outside of the Bible. There is honesty in the struggles, but ultimately, this song speaks of the perfection of God's promise, and His will in my life.

Beloved

2005-06-03T08:22:00.000+08:00

One of the few things that I know for certain is that I am loved -- utterly and unconditionally -- and I cannot begin to tell you how powerful this knowledge is in itself. Unfortunately, what fills us most deeply is also the very same thing that will leave the greatest chasm in its absence. And it is precisely in those moments when we lose sight of that truth that everything falls apart; I don't know which is worse, hearing the echo of emptiness, or feeling the helplessness while watching everything else cave in.

You are My beloved child
Forever in My heart
After the fall and after it all
You're safe within My arms

I'm never gonna let go
My love for you is always true
I'm never gonna lose heart
'Cause I'm holding on tight to you
Should the cruel wind chill your soul
When the world seems out of control
I'm never gonna let go of you

-- "Never Gonna Let Go" by Caedmon's Call

I know who holds my hand

2005-06-01T13:47:00.000+08:00

I don't know about tomorrow
I just live from day to day
I don't borrow from its sunshine
For its skies may turn to grey

I don't worry o'er the future
For I know what Jesus said
And today I'll walk beside Him
For He knows what is ahead

Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know Who holds tomorrow
And I know Who holds my hand

Ev'ry step is getting brighter
On the golden stairs I climb
Ev'ry burden's getting lighter
Ev'ry cloud is silver-lined

There the sun is always shining
There no tear will dim the eyes
At the ending of the rainbow
Where the mountains touch the sky

Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know Who holds tomorrow
And I know Who holds my hand

I don't know about tomorrow
It may bring me poverty
But the One Who feeds the sparrow
Is the One Who stands by me

And the path that be my portion
May be through the flame or flood
But His presence goes before me
And I'm covered with His blood

Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know Who holds tomorrow
And I know Who holds my hand

-- "I Know Who Holds Tomorrow" by Ira Stanphill

All I can offer is this fragile breath

2005-06-01T01:12:00.000+08:00

I searched the world for a song that I could sing
Praise to my King, a gift that I could bring
But no music I found could compare to You
Not one could do justice to Your glory
What are my songs compared to Yours?

You speak with thunder and lightning
Your voice shakes the mountains
The foundations of the earth
All I can offer is this fragile breath
With each one I'll praise You
With each one I'll praise You more

I searched the world for a poem I could read
A rhyme that would bring glory to my King
But no writing I found was worthy of
This God high above all other gods
What are my words compared to Yours?

-- "This Fragile Breath (The Thunder Song)" by Todd Agnew (Sample here)

It's been a wild ride. And even as I heave a sigh of relief at another episode closed, I realise that I'm going to have many more of these. These are challenging times for me, and not just during the emotional and situational lows. It's when I most think that I am in control -- that I can handle everything on my own, away from God -- that I am most vulnerable to fall.

Thank you, God, for Your faithfulness, without which I am nothing.

My dad and I

2005-05-28T23:23:00.000+08:00

My dad and I -- we've had our fair share of crossing swords. In recent years, our relationship has evolved -- for the better, I think -- but this doesn't mean that we don't quarrel, or shout, or cry; usually, it's a combination of all of the above. The difference now, I guess, is that we don't walk away afterwards, and even through the tears, we can put it all aside for just that one second, say "I love you," and then continue with the shouting and crying.

It took a near-death experience for us to understand how important it was -- this relationship that we have; we may never get the chance to rebuild broken ones.

My dad -- he loves us so much that I cannot even begin to tell you. That's why he's always afraid that we'll fall down; that we'll make mistakes; that we'll get hurt. He'd gladly play the martyr, but he'd never let us do the same. And the problems arise because this is not a balance that you can strike.

My dad -- he stands up for what he believes in: for God's truth, for the only truth he knows. And that's what we've learnt to do -- not just by what he says, but mostly by what he does. But it always seems like the very person we expect to give us a pat on the back is the one who bursts our bubble.

"Just sit down and keep quiet," he says. "Otherwise you're going to get hurt."

God knows I've sat down many times -- kept my fair share of quietness. But after a while, you wonder if the gnawing inside of you is worth it; and you realise that you're going to get hurt even if you keep quiet, especially if you sit on your hands. Others may not be able to hurt you, but you're going to get hurt anyway -- and it's going to be more painful.

How can something so right be so wrong? That's how it feels, to have someone shut you down when what you needed most was just for them to stand beside you.

My dad -- he feels betrayed every time we make a decision contrary to his advice. A rejection of his authority, of sorts. I don't think he knows how difficult -- or easy -- some decisions are to make. And while his opinion matters the world to us, there are other factors that complete the equation. It doesn't mean that we're belittling his wealth of experience or judgment, it just means that we made a choice.

We make choices, and sometimes all he can do is to guide us -- but we're going to have to learn too; from our mistakes, from our victories, for our life to live. I know that he wants to do more than that -- if he could, he'd make us queens of the world -- but I hope he understands that his guidance is everything we could have hoped for; so many of the decisions in our life depend on it, that it's become part of our lives too.

We make choices, and he doesn't want us to live with the pain of regret. But the only decisions I've ever regretted are those that were not in obedience to God's word, to God's will. And even those, God has used for good.

***

The reason why there are times where we simply cannot sit down and shut up, is simply because we know that he wouldn't.

***

Dear Daddy,

Thank you for always wanting the best for us; for wanting to love us, protect us, bless us, more and more every day. Even though our disagreement causes us both incredible anguish, it also shows me more of your heart; most of all, it shows me how God can use even this pain for good.

Thank you for being the father I could never have imagined or hoped for. Thank you for being so much more.

I love you, Dad.

Holding on

2005-05-23T01:15:00.000+08:00

You've been lost in the wind
And the rain of a storm at sea
The waves crashing over your back
And you're crying out for Me

But as the ocean rages
I am sleeping in the boat
But I have a plan, I'm holding your hand
And I'm keeping you afloat

I'm never gonna let go
My love for you is always true
I'm never gonna lose heart
'Cause I'm holding on tight to you
Should the cruel wind chill your soul
When the world seems out of control
I'm never gonna let go of you

The day's old, this desert is cold
And a dark cloud covers the truth
Fix your eyes on the horizon
The light is breaking through

You are My beloved child
Forever in My heart
After the fall and after it all
You're safe within My arms

Whenever you feel that you're lost in doubt
I am the way
I am the vine, you're the fruit
I am the truth and the life and the light of day

-- "Never Gonna Let Go" by Caedmon's Call (Sample here)

This is just one of those songs that passed me by. While part of me wonders how I ever let it slip, there is a greater part of me that is in awe of God's timing, and the friends that He has blessed me with. These couple of weeks have been tough, and I've almost gone into panic mode more times that I dare to count. And even as I feel that I am clinging on, hanging on by a thread, to this God that I claim to trust, I realise that the truth is really that He is holding on to me, never letting me go. Always have, always will.

The song of Jesus and His blood

2005-05-15T20:04:00.000+08:00

As we worship You
Let all the world come and see
How the mercy we've received from You
Can set them free

As we worship You
Let all this joy that fills our hearts
Bring a hunger and a hope
To those who've strayed so far

As we bow in adoration
And stand in reverent awe
Show Your majesty and glory
Let Your anointing fall

As we declare Your name, Lord Jesus
As the only name who saves
May the power of Your salvation
Fill each heart, we pray

As we worship You
Let all the nations hear our song
The song of Jesus and His blood
That proved His love for all

As we worship You
May all the lost and broken come
May they hear Your still small voice
Call out their names each one

-- "As We Worship You" by Tommy Walker (Listen here)

I may never be a millionaire

2005-05-11T03:30:00.000+08:00

I may never be the reason
That people come from miles around
Just to hear that beautiful sound
I may never see the season
Where people love to hear me speak
And everybody wants to be me

Dare I go where I can't see
And if I do, will You go with me?
Maybe it's time that I just learn to believe

That I may never be a millionaire
Funny, I don't think I care
May never see the mountain view
I guess I don't need to
I may never drive a fancy car
Or be a movie star
But I'll be, I'll be the light of the world

I may never hold the answers
To the questions of philosophy
Or even understand what that means
And I may never cure the cancer
That seems to run our busy lives
I guess that I'll just join in the fight

Dare I go where I can't see
And if I do, will You go with me?
Maybe it's time that I just learn to believe

I may never be a hero
Or set my feet on Wall Street
Or give the evening news
But I believe in what God wants me to be

-- "Astronaut" by FFH

Grandpa

2005-05-09T03:48:00.000+08:00

I've always been closer to one set of grandparents. Perhaps it's because we used to stay together; I don't know. When Grandma passed away, I thought that'd be the end of all the stories. I'd forgotten that she (and Grandpa) had left behind my dad and six other aunts and uncles to keep them coming.

The most important lessons I've learnt, I've learnt from Grandma. Over the weekend, as I was talking to my aunt, I learned something new -- this time, from Grandpa, more than a year after he's passed on.

My grandpa was a man whose heart of generosity far surpassed anyone I've ever known. He always thought the best of everyone, and always gave them the best he could. Unfortunately, this made him most vulnerable to a world who'd learnt to exploit those who trusted the most. He was constantly cheated of his money, and in a crushing blow, he was cheated of the taxi that he drove -- his livelihood.

Grandpa was also very human. Every time his trust was betrayed, he was hurt. This didn't stop him from giving -- that's just the kind of person he is -- but it did make him bitter at times.

"Good thing he wasn't rich," my aunt casually remarked, all the while her eyes never leaving the newspapers, as we sat around for morning coffee. "Otherwise he'd have been cheated of more, and he'd have been hurt more, and he'd end up living a life of thorough bitterness."

As it is, I've never remembered Grandpa as anything but warm and gentle (and, in the later parts of his life, senile), and if being poor meant not being a mean old man to his grandchildren, I think it was worth it in the end.

I think that there have been unduly harsh criticism of -- and, conversely, unjustified emphasis on -- what we now call the "health and wealth gospel." Admittedly, I, too, am sometimes uncomfortable with it, most times, cautious about the dangers of "naming and claiming it." Occasionally, I've even been defensive of it. However, this post isn't about theology, it's about a legacy.

You see, my grandpa, he had health, but it wasn't measured by a blood count; he had health in his heart, and in his soul, whenever he loved and gave so freely, even though he knew -- and from experience -- that every time he did, he ran the risk of being hurt.

My grandpa, he had wealth, but it wasn't measured in dollars and cents; he had the wealth of his family, and the heritage that he passed down, the souls he saved, the lives he touched -- so much wealth that it continues to overflow long after his body is gone.

God knew what my grandpa could handle, and what he couldn't, because He knew his heart. And even though the world tells us that Grandpa'd been shortchanged, God has shown me that He gave him more than enough.

Theology of failure

2005-05-07T01:42:00.000+08:00

"When Christians talk about what the church has to offer the world, one thing we do not often mention is an adequate theology of failure. Like everyone else, we live in a culture that adores success, and that never seems to tire of raising the bar. Being a successful human being means making straight A's, keeping a well-paid job with good benefits, staying happily married to an attractive person, raising well-adjusted children, and not gaining too much weight. Judging from the commercials on television, being successful also means driving a hot car, carrying a cool cell phone, having young-looking skin and choosing the right medicine to beat depression for good.

"This leaves a lot of room to fail. But the same culture that creates these conditions for failure is not equipped to deal with it."

-- "Spectacular Failure," by Barbara Brown Taylor, The Christian Century Magazine (via Normal Rockstar)

Light of the world

2005-05-04T14:04:00.000+08:00

"Light always points to something else; it never turns in on itself. It is a medium, a channel for the focus to be on whatever it illuminates. At a performance, the spotlight focuses on the artist. In a surgical theater, the blast of brightness is focused on the field of invasion. In a dark corner, the searching beam of the torchlight shows up what has been lost."

-- "Images of Influence," Peter Chao, Vantage Point (Link mine)

Bible translations

2005-04-30T23:37:00.000+08:00

I was given a new Bible a couple of weeks ago, and I liked that it came with a case; I often find the pages of my Bible folded as a result of being roughed around in my bag. But I've been using an NKJV for a while now. This new Bible's an NLT.

I didn't think it'd be all that different, so in the past week or so, I've busied transferring some notes from my old Bible into the new one. In the course of doing this, however, I've noticed marked differences in some verses, and by the time I was done, I felt unspeakably uncomfortable with the NLT. Perhaps the verses that have come to be so familiar to me just sound so different in a new translation.

Now, I am fully aware that these are but translations, and any bilingual person can tell you that you can try all you like; you will never be able to truly convey all of the intentions of the writer when you translate his words into a different language. Sometimes there are just no words in another language that can serve as a word-for-word translation.

That being said, the NLT openly affirms itself as a thought-for-thought translation. While this seemed fair at first blush, I'm not entirely sure how comfortably I am with the translaters claiming to know the "thoughts" of the original writers of the scriptures. I realise that, to some, this might seem overly paranoid, but in the matter of discerning God's word, I can't help but err on the side of caution.

My NKJV, for example, describes God as a "jealous" God. Because of how it is commonly used in the English language, "jealous" often brings with it a negative connotation. But the Bible cannot be read out of context; not in a single verse, and most certainly, not in a single word. If by "jealous," it means that it hurts God when we turn away from Him, or when we put other things ahead of glorifying Him, then yes, He is a jealous God. The NLT, on the other hand, replaces "jealous" with "passionate." I don't know which is closer to the truth, although I'm certain that God loves me passionately as well; and perhaps the word scares people less than a "jealous" God, but it doesn't bring with it that idea that God wants to be the first and foremost in our lives, at least, not to me.

My brother prefers the NLT, because he says it's easier to understand. Hey, if it makes you want to read the Bible more, then I'm certainly all for it. There are some parts of the NLT that have helped me understand some verses better, but for now, I'm sticking with my NKJV, with the NLT as occasional reference. Perhaps it's time to go pick up Hebrew and Greek; that's the only way, isn't it? ;) In the end, I guess whichever translation we choose, God is the one who leads and speaks.

(If you want to read up more about the NLT, there is a criticism here. And if you have any thoughts that might help my decision-making/changing, I'd love to hear them.)

The truth

2005-04-26T21:27:00.000+08:00

"To tell you the truth I struggle with the fact that my plans have been to do one thing but I find I am doing another. But God is teaching me, 'The mind of a man plans his ways, but the Lord directs his steps.'"

-- "Telling the Truth," Mission Safari (via Semicolon)

Juggling

2005-04-25T17:57:00.000+08:00

In the past, exams have always taken first priority; everything else gets put on hold until afterwards. This semester is a little different. In some ways, I didn't really have a choice. They came fast and furious, and I found myself juggling more balls than I could handle. All of a sudden, my exams seemed the least of my worries -- the one ball that I could put down.

It's an amazing mixture of trepidation and expectation, when you find that you no longer have the strength, to put everything at the foot of the cross: God, help me to honour You in all I do. Let that be my purpose -- my desire -- first and foremost. On the one hand, everything in you tells you that if you don't hold it all together, everything will fall apart, and yet, the other part of you knows that every time you come to God with such surrender, He makes something so beautiful out of it that you never could imagine was possible.

More than halfway through, and you couldn't even tell that I was in the throes of exam fever. I find it hard to believe how I've survived it. I haven't just survived, even -- I've enjoyed every step of it, and I'm learning so much more than just trying to get a good grade.

God has been amazing in all of this. Me? I'm just enjoying being in awe of the view from here.

"But seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you."

-- Matthew 6:33 (NKJV)

Service

2005-04-22T20:59:00.000+08:00

"And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men..."

-- Colossians 3:23 (NKJV)

There are these wonderful people who you look up to, who make you want to be a better person, and then there are these other types of people: who are so nasty that they make you want to be prettier than, or smarter than, just so you can be nastier back to them.

It doesn't make sense, but I let them get to me anyway.

As I sat down, eyes brimmed with tears that threatened to spill over -- one question prodded at my heart: "Why does it matter what they say or think? Would you rather serve man, or serve Me?"

I already know the answer. I knew it even before I stumbled.

Faithfulness

2005-04-20T14:14:00.000+08:00

"He heals the brokenhearted
And binds up their wounds.
He counts the number of the stars;
He calls them all by name."

-- Psalm 147:3-4 (NKJV)

Clinging on for dear life

2005-04-18T23:49:00.000+08:00

"We don't get to do anything. Just have to wait. It's really hard, but you just have to go about your life and do everyday things; go to work, do your laundry, clean the house. You know, just try to keep your mind off all the horrible things that might be happening to him. And you do that, for a week or a month, or maybe a year... Welcome to the outside of the disease."

-- E.R., Season 9, Episode 15 (A Boy Falling out of the Sky)

The waiting -- for me, at least -- is always the worst. Minutes stretching to hours -- it's awful. I used to bring a book to read, but I realised that it was too difficult to do so. So these days, while I wait, I walk around -- but not too far that I'm out of reach of the intercom system. I make about 10 trips to the vending machines in under an hour; over and over, just pressing the buttons: Milo, snack, Milo, snack. I wasn't hungry.

***

Dad was brought into the hospital today. It's been two years since he's had a relapse, and we thought we'd seen the worse of it. Tonight, he was more frantic than all the other times he's made this trip; I don't know why.

"Don't desert me, okay?" he said through the tears. Why would we? "Daddy loves you." I love you too, Daddy.

"Just cling on to Jesus," he muttered in his sedated state. "Cling on to Jesus... Cling on."

To the nurse, he sounded like a madman. To me, it was everything. In a million years, I could not ask for a better Dad.

I'm clinging on for dear life; I'm not letting go.